after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize