I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
