Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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