My cat gives me a boner
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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