Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize