Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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