Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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