I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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