I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
