he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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