cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I could make wine with my vomit
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
