I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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