Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
