I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
