I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
