I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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