So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
