My liver just broke up with me...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize