I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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