We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
