you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
