Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
