using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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