She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize