Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
