And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
