Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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