Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
