If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
