Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
