I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
