My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
