I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize