my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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