Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
