i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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