When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
