We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
