Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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