I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
