he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
