Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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