We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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