Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
