I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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