picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
