Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
