I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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