i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
