i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
