Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize