why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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