Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
