I hate your face
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
