I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
