he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize