I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
